Shabbat HaGadol 5767 -- Rhymes and Songs of Maggid

"Vehigadta l'vinkha -- (and) you shall tell to your children," is the phrase out of which the haggadah, and in particular, the maggid section grow. Our family interprets this verse in the following way (note that this is an ex post theoretical justification for 25 years of practice): Why does the verse say "vehigadta -- you, specifically, in the singular, shall tell the story?" Let it instead say "vehigadtem -- and you all, b'nei Yisrael, shall tell the story," the single unitary story of Pesach! Rather, the Torah means to tell us that we should, each of us, think of our own new ways to tell the story.

In that spirit, here are some of the ways that our family has told the Pesach story. The limericks are by Will, (c) 1999, 2001, the Beatles songs are by Stan, (c) 1994, 1996. Share and Enjoy!


Limericks of Liberation (or An Anapestic Pesach)

Joseph was sold into slav’ry,
a villainous act done of knavery.
The dreams were explained
The King’s ear he gained,
and he was renowned for his bravery

His Brothers came down to Mitzraim,
and joined their dear cousin Ephraim.
They soon were enslaved
by a Pharaoh depraved.
Their bondage was such a great cri’me.

The numbers of Hebrews oft grew;
They formed a formidable crew.
So Pharaoh grew wary
of masses so scary
and ordered each baby boy slew.

The edict made Yocheved shiver,
so Miriam put Moe in the river.
The princess on-gazed him
and said, “I will raise him,
and into the palace deliver!”

Thus Moses was raised in the palace,
so royal and cultured – not callous.
He saw a Jew smited,
and with wrath incited,
avenged the slave master’s cruel malice.

Moses ran off from the city,
to lead a life unlike Walt Mitty,
he went to the Midbar,
and had not got real far,
When things first became tense and gritty.

Out in the sand was a shrubbery,
that burned like a whale-lamp so blubbery.
From it a voice boomed,
the bush not consumed,
and Moe’s knees became weak and rubbery.

“Your people are captive – go lead ‘em;
You’ll succeed if you’ve only got fidem
Go talk to the Pharaoh,
be straight as an arrow,
and lead out your people to freedom.”

Moses demands liberation.
Pharaoh says “stay the duration,
I won’t let you go.”
He’s rebuked by our Moe,
“You’ll be punished till you free our nation.”

The first plague was sanguine and bloody –
It made the White Nile quite ruddy.
Then amphibs abounded,
and Pharaoh responded,
“You’ll leave over my cold, dead body.”

Lice and beast maddened the ‘Gyptians, * (*This rhyme from the Joe Lewis Haggadah)
and drove them all into conniptions.
Things were not good,
but firm Pharaoh stood,
though half his folks needed prescriptions.

The fifth plague killed off all the cattle.
The farms were destroyed, as in battle..
Then boils so hurtful,
their own just desert-ful,
but Pharaoh had not yet been rattled.

Then hail falls like rain from the sky,
and locusts eat all they espy.
Moshe’s still pleading,
and Pharaoh’s not heeding.
The worst plagues were yet drawing nigh.

A threatening darkness descended.
The king did not act as intended.
He wouldn’t give in,
took it on the chin,
and his stubborn will was unbended.

A rumor was spread ‘mong the Jews:
“the life of each first-born to lose.
So mark out your houses,
stay quiet as mouses,
your own kids the Angel won’t choose.”

The Malach slew all the first-born
Leaving Egyptians forlorn.
Even the prince,
whom they thought invince
For his own son Pharaoh did mourn.

At this Pharaoh set them to leaving.
“Go! Don’t distract me from grieving!”
The Jews grabbed their bread,
and ran straight ahead,
freedom they now were achieving.

G-d strengthened the cruel king’s will-power,
who said “get them back in the hour!”
They rode to the sea,
and drowned quick as can be,
In turbulent waves that did tower.

The bread never rose on the way,
shaped like a slate made of clay.
It tells us we’re free,
from such slavery,
and therefore we eat it today.


Sgt. Pesach's Parody Song Band

It was many, many years ago
Egypt's pharoah really ran the show
He had pyramids and slaves galore
But he always wanted more and more
So let us introduce to you.
An act that's been around for years, the
Sergeant Pesach's Parody Song Band

"I'm fixing a hole"
Hebrew Slave:
I'm digging a hole for the reign of the king
and still my mind keeps wondering,
when this will end

I'm filling a crack in the pyramid wall
and still my mind keeps wondering,
when this will end

And it really doesn't matter if I'm dumb or bright
I work from morn till night
and every day
See the people standing there
who work like me and never win
And wonder why we don't all run away

LOVELY RITA
Lovely Moses Baby Boy
Hidden down by the river
Hidden to save him from a certain death

Princess found him by the river
Hoped the Pharoah would forgive her
If she saved his life and made him her own

Princess, said and with no malice
"Take the baby to the palace
I'll give him lots of riches and I'll make him a prince"

Lucky Moses wealthy boy
Living in princely splendor
Living so high while all your people are slaves

Sister said "Here is a nurse maid"
Real low wages she can be paid
And she'll do a great job taking care of this kid"

Nursemaid, she was baby's mother
Told him he was not like the others
They were all Egyptians, while he was a Jew.

Princely Moses Hebrew boy
Growing up mighty strangely
Someday you will make your people free

"A little HELP"
Moses:
Once in the desert I looked at a bush,
it was burning but it was so strange to see
I heard a great voice, the voice said it was God,
It said free your people from slavery
I said "God I'm not the man for this job"
I said "Not me I'm just an ordinary slob"
I said "Not me I think I'll stutter and I'll sob"

What would you do if your people were slaves to an empire so mighty and so strong
I don't have an army, I don't speak so well, do you think I can free them with song?
I'll get by with a lot of help from my God.
I'm gonna try with a lot of help from my God,
We won't die with a lot of help from our God

Cho: Do you need anybody?
Moses I need all the help I can get.
Cho: Could it be any body?
Moses: I think it needs to be God.

(Mr Kite)
MOSES:
For the punishment of the Pharoah king,
God is going to do a thing, or two or ten.
blood, frogs lice and insect swarms
They may not do him too much harm -but what a scene
But if he doesn't flinch at four
Gods promises us many more -- with real fire
And Pharoah's stubborn heart will be destroyed

More fun comes with plagues 5 and 6
Pestilence, boils, and other tricks, will then abound
Including darkness, hail and locusts
Lots of scary hocus-pocus -- will be found
Aaron and I assure our people
That this production will be second to none
And of course God is the source of Pharoah's woes

Since Pharoah is a stubborn guy,
Firstborn Egyptians will all die, in fourteen days
And while this may sound kind of rough
I think no less will be enough, to change his ways
But when this final deed is done
We will be told to pack our bags and run
On that night, from the heights, Pharoah will fall

"When I'M 64"
Adviser:
Pharoah, oh great One beyond compare,
listen to me please!!
We've profitted from keeping them in slavery
But now its tzuris for you, and for me.
Wake them all up at a quarter to three
Kick them out the door
We no longer need them
why should we feed them?
Keep them here no more!!

We're in trouble now
But if you say the word
You might save us all

Pharoah:
Slaves can be handy doing our work
When work must be done
Let them make our bricks out in the desert sun
We can relax and we can have fun
Drink in the palace, boat on the Nile
Who could ask for more?
I think we still need them
Continue to feed them
Slaves forever more

Adviser:
Every day we keep them here
Their God is going to smite us more
We're in trouble now
But if you say the word
You might save us all

Pharoah:
My heart has been stubborn, my ways have been cruel,
For so many years
I've resisted all the messages their God has sent
But now my resistance has got up and went
Wake them all up at a quarter to three
Kick them out the door
We no longer need them
why should we feed them?
Keep them here no more!!


"Leaving Home"
Narrator
14 Nissan at 3 o'clock before day begins
Rapidly leaving the slave hut door
Packing some dough that they hoped would rise more
They walk past the tombs that they long worked on
clutching babes in arms
Using the full moon to light the way
Walking quite far before break of day
They (we've had enough slavery )
are leaving (we just want to be free)
here (worked us so hard that we almost all died)
They're leaving here after shedding great tears for so many years
14 Nissan at 9 o'clock Pharoah leaves his bed
Looks at the work site so still and bare,
Standing alone at the top of the stair
He breaks down and calls his advisors
"Damn it! our slaves are gone."
"Why would they treat us so thoughtlessly?
How could they do this to me?"
They (We fed them all of their lives)
are leaving (employed them all of their lives)
here (we gave them only enough to get by)
They're leaving here after shedding great tears for so many years
30 Nissan at 9 o'clock, they are far away
The army it chased them, they got afraid,
The waters all parted so they could wade
They (now have a new way of life)
are being (yes have a new way of life)
free (they can have Shabbat each week of the year)
Something inside that was always denied for so many years,
They're leaving slavery, bye bye

"Getting Better"
Hebrews:
We went to a very rough school
Slavemasters who taught us were cruel
Beating us down, into the ground
Tying us up with their rules
But we have to admit its getting better
It’s getting better, we can see
We have to admit its getting better
A little better now we're free
Getting so much better now we're free!!
Getting better now we're free.

Ki Tissa 5767 -- The Existence Triangle

The first commandment in this week’s parasha is the machatzit hashekel, the taking of the half-shekel from every male Israelite, age 20 and over. The Torah states explicitly that this taking of one coin from each and every army-eligible Israelite (how’s that for a string of vowels!) constitutes the proper means of taking the census. As parshanim explain, although they perhaps need not, all Moshe has to do is count his half-shekel coins, and it’s as good as counting Israelites. These half-shekels will also, the Torah tells us, be used as atonement money, and will be donated to Service in the Tent of Meeting.

What’s the connection between atonement, donation to the Ohel Moed, and the census? Says Sforno, the great Italian Torah scholar, counting and atonement for sins are intrinsically linked. God does not put them together here – rather, they always go together. To paraphrase that great German non-Torah scholar, Karl Marx, existence is sin. (One of Marx's witticism's, I believe, was that property is theft). When we count the numbers of extant Israelites, we are counting the number of those who sin. As we see in the incident of the Golden Calf in this week's parasha, sometimes those sins can be quite stunning. Since the very act of enumeration recalls our existence, and hence our sins, such an enumeration should contain the seeds of our forgiveness. In other words, before God has a chance to get really angry at us – and before we have a chance to get really angry at ourselves – for all of our human imperfection, we launch an atonement campaign with the half-shekel.

It is certainly nice to reflect upon God’s great kindness that seeks to forgive us even before we are finished uncovering our sins. However, we are still left with the idea that to exist is to sin. Sforno focuses (in my reading) on the use of the half shekel for atonement, but the half shekel has another function as well: it is a donation to God, to be used in the Tent of Meeting. I would therefore like to suggest a different equation, one that could be thought of as the opposite side of the triangle formed by the census, atonement, and donation to the Ohel Moed: To exist is to contribute.

This equation is actually made quite manifest by the details of the half-shekel mitzvah. Every army-aged Israelite must give a coin, and each Israelite, poor or rich, gave exactly a half-shekel, no more no less, which was donated to the Tent of Meeting. In other words, the very act of recognizing an individual’s existence contributed to the holy endeavors of the Tent of Meeting. The same is no doubt true in our own lives. Sin is part of human existence, but an equal, and probably greater, part is made up of the contributions that we make everyday to other people and to God.

Tetzaveh 5767 -- Moses und Aron

Why was Aharon chosen to be the kohen gadol, and not Moshe? The kohen gadol conducted the most direct and intimate service of God, and so one would think that Moshe, who spoke with God "face to face" would have been the most appropriate for this honor.

The Ibn Ezra gives three reasons why Aharon was chosen over Moshe. The first I do not understand, and would be grateful for your comments, the second seems trivial, even to the Ibn Ezra and the third suggests something deep about what it means for humans to relate to each other and to God.

First, the Ibn Ezra says that Aharon was chosen because of the honor of the family of Nachshon, because the kohanim would later conduct the Temple services that would bring atonement to the Jewish people. I understand neither the connection between Aharon (as opposed to Moshe) and Nachshon, nor between Nachshon and atonement for the Jewish people.

Second, the Ibn Ezra suggests that Moshe couldn't have been a Kohen because his wife, Tziporah, was not born Jewish. As one of the halakhot of the kohanim is that they may not marry divorcees, widows, or converts, Moshe and his entire line would have been disqualified from the kahuna before it even began (particularly when we recall that Moshe married Tzipporah years before the revelation at Sinai). However, as the Ibn Ezra admits, Moshe didn't have much of an option to marry an Israelite woman, as he spent his marryin' years on the run, away from the Jewish people. This is therefore not a very good reason.

Third, the Ibn Ezra suggests that Moshe simply did not have the time or wherewithal to serve as kohen gadol. Moshe was already devoting himself to teaching the mitzvot to all of Israel, and to judging all of their disputes, aided by the sanhedrin. But this seems to beg the question: given that Moshe knew all the laws well enough to teach them over and over again to hundreds of thousands of people, wouldn't he have been the very best choice to be the kohen gadol? Given his amazing knowledge and talents, shouldn't he have been -- if he'd really pushed himself -- able to be the kohen gadol as well?

I think that this is a trap that many of us get ourselves into, when we've worked hard and developed skills or experience. We think that not only are we a better qualifed candidate than anybody else for X, Y, or Z, but also that we should, among all the other challenges in our lives, be able to taken on X, Y, and Z! This is problematic in both a vertical and horizontal dimension. It is vertically problematic in that only God can do everything. We are, no matter our talents, limited; when we forget this we forget some of our humanity, and end up no place good. It is horizontally problematic in that such an expansive sense of self tends to crowd out our fellow human beings. When we believe that only we can do something, we forget about that wonderful network of self-reinforcing humanity of which we are a part. The sense that only we can do anything, and that we therefore must do everything is a recipe for existential loneliness. God establishes the opposite paradigm here: we should be comfortable sharing the work and glory, and trusting others, in the worthiest of pursuits. This, I think, is the profound lesson that the Ibn Ezra brings us.